On Vulnerability and Healing After Breakups
If you’re reading this then you’re likely experiencing a recent breakup, or perhaps you’re on the cusp of an approaching breakup. I want you to know that I am truly sorry you’re in pain and I’m going to say something that may cause you both big frustration and hopefully a little tenderness, IT WILL BE OKAY. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day you will wake up and the pain you are experiencing will have softened, and starting your day will feel the slightest bit easier, and little by little you’ll find your way back to the root of yourself and what you know to be true. As both a Therapist and sensitive human who has been through many breakups and transitions, I can tell you what I know to be true. A relationship that ends is not a “failed relationship,” although that’s often the language and implication society would have us believe. Experiencing a relationship and experiencing an ending is the gaining of more lived experience, and it’s incredibly brave! It’s a connection to our humanity and vulnerability that we try and try again when it comes to relationships and intimacy. You have been brave and in this moment your only job is to tend to yourself, to feel and to be. Also know that you’re not required to see all the wisdom in this right now, there does not have to be a silver lining moment or a lesson here yet. Taking care of yourself and honoring your grief is what is most important, so here’s a few things that may help.
Feeling overwhelmed makes sense, but try to allow yourself to get curious about what else you’re feeling. Is what you’re experiencing deep sadness or frustration? Maybe disappointment, confusion, or a combination of these and more? Naming our internal experiences (I am feeling hurt, I am feeling misunderstood, etc.) is a critically important part of validating ourselves and sitting with those tough moments of discomfort. Try writing down what you’re feeling, even if it’s a single word, on a piece of paper or in your notes app. Or try scribbling a color or shape to represent your emotional experience. Taking pauses to acknowledge the big feelings can lessen the self judgment that often arises when we feel discomfort about our feelings. Then, I want you to do some of those small things that you know will help you feel better (while also taking pauses to cry or release as you need to). Maybe it’s a short walk for a tasty treat, a voice memo to a friend, a hug from your pet, that familiar show or music? Add in the small comforts, these are your anchors, and when the moments of grief come up try your best to sit with them and validate your experiences. Remind yourself that it takes time for our nervous systems to soften and regulate during and after breakups. And when the overwhelm starts to feel like too much, ask yourself “what do I need to feel connected and safe in this moment? What would feel supportive?” Try asking yourself this the same way you’d ask a friend you lovingly adore. And through all of this, know that you are completely worthy of connection and love, and that I am supporting you from my corner of the world.
