Getting Through the Dreaded Texting Stage
Those first few moments after a match can be exciting - the endless possibility of what’s to come, the butterflies of attraction when you look at their profile picture, the hope that maybe this person, this time, could be your future partner. You quickly send off a message - maybe a brief “Hello. How are you?” or a more detailed and specific question related to something that caught your eye in their profile. Then you get a response! And thus begins the dreaded texting stage…
Here’s the thing: there are no rules for how long the texting stage should or shouldn’t last. Ultimately, that is up to you and how you like to date—are you a slow burner or someone who likes to see if in-person chemistry is there from the start? Regardless of how long you stay in the texting stage, there are ways to make it less grueling.
Set your intention.
What are you hoping to achieve by messaging this person? For many, it’s a first date. Or maybe it’s understanding what that person is looking for or whether or not they have similar life goals. You don’t necessarily need to communicate those right away, but keep them in the back of your mind so you know what you’re working toward, and when that intention has been met.
Make time for consistent conversation.
We are all busy. We all have work, friends, errands, family. Sending a text takes mere seconds. Find time to interact with and reply to your match, even if you have to schedule it. If you can’t have a whole conversation, say that. But leaving someone on read for days at a time is not the move. How you communicate in this stage will show how you communicate in later stages. If you don’t have time for someone, consider whether you are truly in a place where you’re ready to date.
Have fun with your conversations.
Be curious. Ask questions, even if they seem silly. Think outside of the interview-type questions of career, siblings, location. Or the generic “How are you?”. Sometimes a little tweak can take a boring question to engaging. Instead of “How was your weekend?” try “What was the highlight of your weekend?”. Instead of “Where in LA do you live?” try “What’s your favorite local haunt?” (and then maybe follow that up with a flirty “When are you taking me there?”). Then comment on their answer and ask follow-up questions. Push through the discomfort of texting a stranger. And if they aren’t as responsive, communicate your expectations for conversation.
Remember, you haven’t met this person…yet.
Texting is not knowing. Some people are great texters, but fall flat in person. You might not feel chemistry when messaging, but really hit it off in person. Go back to your intention. Has it been met? Do you feel you have an idea of who this person is and whether you align? Have they been consistent and engaged? Then it’s probably time to meet up (or at least FaceTime). Take it off the phone and into real life.
The texting stage does not have to be terrible. Think of it as drawing the outline of who this person is. Use it to understand how they communicate, how they treat you, and their dating goals, and whether they truly are a match for you.
